So, that's what Faith is

i am going. i am actually going. i got my flights, my vaccinations, my passport... it's real! and, it's so funny 'cause when i thought about the anticipation to my leave, i only thought of pure excitement. oh, how little i knew that there can be so many emotions to such a trip. i am excited to go. to really find out whom i am and to travel the world. to find God and to learn what my faith really means and how to live that out. but, i am leaving everyone. and, although a lot of that happened when i left after high school, the mentality is different. i will be starting new. fresh. and yet everything will change. i guess that's essentially what i want. but, change is scary 'cause you don't have answers looking @ you right in the face. i think that there's a word for that... faith. faith in the unknown, knowing that God can and will guide and direct you, even though you may not know where. i fear and love the unknown. i want to become into whom i should when i leave. but, more than anything i want to be open. open to new things. open to life on my own. open to life changes, in which i may never turn back. experiencing God's beauty, and knowing that he is so much more than what i see. i have a hunger a hunger to know God and make him known. not saying i'll be perfect. and, not saying that i totally know what i'm getting myself into. but, i am saying take me. mold me. make me into whom You believe i should become. i love and want You more than anything, and am willing to put my agenda behind me... so i can focus on what i need to focus on.

Destiny or only desire?

i want something familiar. something that i can hold onto. just one thing to think that life, or at least a small portion of it can be put in a neatly folded envelope. and to know that the envelope is secure. nothing is going to change it. the contents are always going to be the same, and i can put my total faith in that.

and, once i'll get that i'll probably want some type of change. weird how we always want something, and yet don't strive for it. we just expect it. i mean, God is unchanging and i can put my total faith in him, and yet it's easier for me to say, "i wish that i could have something unchanging" then rather looking, and working for it.

why is life like that? why do we have expectations and yet no ambitions. wants and still don't sustain our needs. desires and no desire to make it happen.

all we want is results when, the result is not the answer. the way you get to result actually is what makes you, you. the love and desires and ambitions we have are real. they are not a fairytale that cannot happen. rather they are dreams waiting for their reality. and, since we don't believe that this could actually happen, we brush off our dreams and desires and life goals. only to make ourselves into something we never anticipated. but still always asking, "how did i end up here?". which again proves that we still believe that change cannot happen, or at least for ourselves. and, so instead of our desires shaping us, we allow our lies to shape us... into a life of lies.

What's an opinion?

nothing bothers me more when people make very strong comments about things they have no idea about. what are they thinking? that they will have more respect by having an opinion? i believe that that is hilarious. who will respect someone with a dead straight answer, when they don't even know how to express their opinion properly 'cause they are oblivious to what they are saying? it doesn't make sense to me. and, it makes me mad.

and, then there are the ones who think they know everything. how can someone know everything? and, if your opinion is correct, then it will show through the outcomes of your beliefs. it cannot be in the forcefullness. the force shows that you just want someone else to aggree with you, without proving that you are right.

Supersize me

here i am. take me. i cannot do this on my own. i am tired and really just want to do nothing but sleep. it's not right, but it's how i feel. and, although feelings are not what i should base my life on, it is still a major thing in my life. i am tired. i am not able to fool myself, and all i want is for life... and to live it to it's fullest potential.

why you may ask? she has everything in front of her. she has a chance to travel the world. she has a great job. she has an awesome family that loves her.

these things are amazing, and no doubt i thank God for them everyday. that's not the point. the circumstances don't define a person. there are some things you can and cannot change. i am trying my hardest to make positive decisions. and, yet nothing can fill this, sense of drained life.

some may say it's because i don't have enough faith or that i'm not a good enough Christian. to them i ask, what makes a Christian? really? is it one who believes without questioning, and finds that the sole fulfillment of life? or is it to have the faith that things will be alright? why don't we stop fixing and start loving? stop conforming and start confronting, confronting not to prove our point but to let our point be shown that it has relevance. everyone has an opinion. and, i'm not even going to try to judge them on that. i will have my beliefs and i will be open to other people's opinions but i cannot handle it if i will be force fed and then expected to enjoy what i have been shoved down my throat. this is not how life should be.

Expression. NOT!

why do we express? why do we even put ourselves out there? you know how children live? how they aren't afraid to act silly or even do stupid stuff. actually, they don't think anything of it. it's natural. but then all of a sudden there's this hush that comes upon our lives. this undefined rule, with undefined boundaries, but very defined consequences. there becomes a point in life when we acknowledge that we cannot be free. others are watching, and God forbid they would judge us.

but, why? why does it all of a sudden matter what others think? i mean, since when did other people's opinions confuse our thoughts, mute our personality, and consequently, define our lives? others will always think what they want to. no matter how much you change on the outside, you can not fool yourself into believing that you have it all together, even if you can fool others. i mean, you'll always find that one person who makes you feel bad about yourself. you'll find that one girl (with her sexy boyfriend) that will glare at you from top to bottom, making you believe you are at the bottom, of everything. it's a hole which we have made ourselves believe is never ending. although there are multiple people in life whom have had a significant role in this lie of a belief, we are the ones whom actually believe it is true. weird how lies make us into whom we are, but not whom we want to become... and what's even more weird is how we never question it. this is life, and that's how we live. but, if we base our self worth on others opinions, when do our desires come into play? and, when do we finally sit down and find out what we want or don't want to change? although others bring insight into our lives, we are the ones whom make our choices, even if we choose to be controlled by what others may think of us.

Beauty... in real life

Who is a model?

It's anyone whom wants to be

It exhilarates you

It inspires you

It expresses you

And it's fun!

I know that physical beauty is not everything

Self-esteem shouldn't be found from it

Choices shouldn't be based on it

Life shouldn't revolve around it

But it's healthy to enjoy beauty

To take it in and enhance it...

Erin Fitzpatrick is the best photographer ever!

Small issues creating Big problems

the smallest things of life make us so happy. you know why? i believe it's because we do not expect them. to expect is to have expectation, and all of a sudden those once wants become into needs. needs that have to be met or you cannot fully be happy, for that is what we believe. i've been noticing that a lot lately. why do we all of a sudden become so set in our ways about what (really in the whole scheme of life) does not matter? what's the point? we stress about specifics. i believe that it's because we have made ourselveses believe that we cannot change the large picture. so, what we can change we have to. no matter what it takes. it will go our way, because that's the right way (even if no one else believes it).

and then there are the opposite people. the ones whom think they can change everything. usually they do not become successful. but all of a sudden there's an Adolf Hitler. a Jesus Christ. a Napoleon. a Shakespeare. and it can turn from bad to good or good to bad. it seems to me that it's the motives of the people. i mean, if you want to do good you can. it might not be perfect and it may not go exactly how you wanted, but it's still good. or you can do evil. it might not work out the way you planned it, but it could still be bad. i mean (@ least I think) that the end does not justify the means. and, the means cannot justify the end. for the end shouldn't be defined if the means are correct. i could be wrong though, as Christ wanted to live for the hope of the end. but, the difference is that God gives us choice. he does not force the end for His agenda, even though it's the best end one could hope for. people still need choice for it to be real. the motions do not constitute for the motives.